I've been dreaming of people I haven't seen in a while because they have left us here on earth. I've been visited a couple times recently by my exboyfriend Jason. It is so strange to say he is gone but he left us a little over a month ago. I would miss him more then I do but he is still following me. It is strange; To say he is gone but still feel like he exsists.
Jason and I had this intense connection. He mostly fought it out of fear of maybe letting go or being dropped. I loved him so much but I was always venerable to his ablity to shut down. He could chop my connection off and I would feel the emptiness of it and it hurt. But he stopped doing it about a year before he passed. I would think about him and all of a sudden the phone would ring. He would say I don't know why but I needed to call you. I would smile and tell him why. Mostly he would spend our conversations trying to convince me to "come home" and I would in turn try to convince him I was where I am. His persistence was always warming and comforting but I moved to hide my heart from him. Secertly I loved it and I did wish that I could trust my heart with him just one more time. Unfortunately I could not risk it. Exspecially after I gave my heart to Steve as well.
Jason and my connection was never really broken even when I was with Steve if he needed me I heard him before he would call. I resisted, but I always answered his calls. He didn't call me this time. My emotions were messy. Steve and I were arguing and there were just so many things that I maybe wanted to tell Jay, but just couldn't. I was fighting for Steve and my relationship and I know Jay. "I asked you to give me a chance and you didn't" "I told you to come home and you were stubburn." God Jay! How could you ? I can feel your voice. I do know now you truly want me to be happy and you wish it was you who was willing to do that. I know because of my dreams.
I've had two very vivid dreams with Jay. The first was a few weeks after he passed. Jason came to me and I ran to his arms. He was pissed cause everyone thought he was dead when he went to go see his grandmother in Georgia. He was making a bunch of stuff for breakfast on this big kitchen grill. And I was acting like I was seeing a ghost. You don't understand Jay. They had a funeral for you. And he didn't want to hear it and I woke up.
It isn't known really but he might have a Grandmother living and no one really knows because he only knew his mother's adopted parents. Jason of course is the type that would be mad that everyone thought him to be dead. He himself might not believe he isn't here with us. I don't doubt it but he's smart enough. All I can say is I awoke feeling like he was right there. Steve was laying beside me. I was certianly confused but realized I was happy i was able to see him.
This last one was vivid but not so realistic, not by what we think are normal standards. I was with him again but some how he had mixed his face with Steve's. I spent my time with both of them but didn't know how to take it. I asked myself over and over again and him too. I don't remember you like this. How are you so different? It was a time machine and I took it and stepped on to a different plain. And because I made a different desition the whole world I was used to changed. I had to deal with it. I don't know. That's what I got. Just like I said, Jason does want me to be happy and if it has to be Steve then so be it. I'm happy he can show me this if only in my dreams.
I think with his help I am finally tapping into my intuition a little more clear. I saw my Grandmom who passed a couple years ago and when I did I cried to her so hard that I woke myself up. I truly believe that my calling is getting stronger and I think soon I can really help some of my loved ones and I can becone at ease with my life and start living it.
Through Dreams, Tunnels, and Time Machines and a little help from the other side.
